Perhaps that I take life more serious than others today has something to do with not only losing my family but probably more with the way I was ‘raised.’ I’ve since learned that kids of domineering, perhaps ragaholic parents not only have a much higher rate of depression but also have greater trouble in relationships, often never marrying (or jhaving bad marriages) and not having kids (or having dysfunctional ones, themselves) . After being ‘beaten down’ as kids we often have no interest in taking on children . (I tell people I’m still trying to live out the REAL childhood I never had and not I’m ready for kids, yet. Ha! ) I’m not one to play the blame game , accusing my late parents for later troubles I’ve had -in fact, I always tried to put differences behind me while continuing to help my Mom and Dad with e.g. medical issues, etc. to the end – but it is a reality that people from dysfunctional homes look at life differently than kids from more ‘normal’ upbringings.
In many ways I have no regrets. Life is not just one silly selfie for some of us,today. While I like to laugh I believe it’s important to QUESTION things,especially today, as I see things in society changing for the worse. Perhaps I’ve become less a follower and more of a QUESTIONER has something to do with my dark past. Perhaps after having seen more wrong in my own life I’m more aware when I see wrong in societal life. After spending decades living life thorugh others’ lenses I ‘ve grown tired of accepting other’s ‘values’that I don’t agree with.
Perhaps going thorough a life of challenges has given me a more critical eye and SURVIVING what I’ve been through, not to mention my own past medical issues (which pale when compared to my parent-controlled upbringing) makes me view life with deeper meaning while I try to squeeze more out of every moment. It’s too bad in one way that it takes much sorrow and h eartache to bring awareness but , in my case, I can say that it’s given me a deeper appreciation of life, the little and big t hings that are often overlooked by many. Had I not ‘paid dues,’I might be happily married with 2.2. children myself.
But, I have no regrets. This is the life I’ve been dealt and I look forward to the remaining years being the best yet. Now, finally, I can call my own shots , be with whom I want and not having to please my parents anymore.
It’s something I rarely discuss with others as most people come out of more ‘normal’ upbringings and would probably not relate to what I have to say. But, growing up as I did can contribute to one turning inward and introspective, in my opinion. For example, I’m less accepting of mainstream societal trends of the day, especially what I call a ‘decaying’ culture we live in today. Many ‘normals’ will overlook societal ‘lies’, if you will, e.g. administration, sports, etc. while people like myself may question what we see as wrongs and, in my case, harkening back to a simpler, happier time I remember as , yes , a child – in spite of my parents (Up to the age of 13 I did seem to manage to have a happy ‘other ‘life ‘ thanks in part to good friends and a good period to grow up in, i.e. the 1950s and early 1960s.)
Frankly, while I miss my family, I don’t miss some of the forced family occasions such as Thanksgiving and other holidays when family (including secondary relatives) supposedly get together to give thanks but really end up feeling worse. That’s me. That was my late dear sister,too, who , of the same parents went through a similar upbringing as I, and thereby lends credence to these feelings of mine. While, ideally, it would be nice to get together with people of like persuasion, I rather enjoy more quiet times alone or with few good friends rather than being with others more out of habit or expectations (as I did most of my life) than my own wanting. As more of an Indian than a Chief, it’s nice to be free of the many Chiefs in my extended family telling me what to do as if my way didn’t count. So, for those who claim loneliness, especially known to occur during holiday seasons, might take new hope in rewiring their alone-ness- not loneliness
Many will complain about being so alone over holidays. Yes, ideally, it’s nice to be with other like-minded people, but save for that I’d rather be alone than thrown together with other non-like-minded people. Perhaps this is MY FAULT for being different – albeit a different caused by circumstances largely out of my control. So, I will enjoy my holidays this year finally doing things I LIKE, such as taking in old movies, music, etc. , rather than following the latest trendy things so many follow in line to do. I played that ‘following’ role for years and years trying to do ‘what’s right’ but if it’s fulfilling those other than yourself I think it’s time to finally move on and LIVE WHAT YEARS I HAVE LEFT.
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